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| Saturday, June 22nd, 2002 | | 10:42 pm |
Well it has been over a month since I have written and I was hoping that would be for good reasons but I can say that there really are no good reasons. Summer is turning out to be worse than last summer. And I was so looking forward to this summer. I thought nothing could be worse than last summer and then all of a sudden it gets worse. Last night I was suppose to meet Joe Paterno!!! I mean I was so excited and then all of a sudden he was unable to come because his brother is seriously sick in the hospital. I realize that is very important and definitely more important than signing autographs and speaking to a bunch of people who just know you because you are a famous football coach and totally rock. I guess it was just kind of disappointing and now I have to wait till next year to actually be able to meet him. I was lucky enough to meet Rene Portland who is the womens basketball coach at Penn State. She is soooooo nice!!!!!!! She signed my yearbook and I also got a picture taken with her. I want to thank her and so I think I am going to send her a little note. It's amazing these people actually have their addresses in the phone book!!! I mean I know they are normal people but still I bet they get a lot of mail. Anyway, I think I may ask if I can be the head water girl for the team (LOL)!!! You never know she might let me. That would be so cool (LOL). But I won't get my hopes up. And just in general the overall summer has been lonely. I realize this is probably my own fault and take full responsibility. Although, I tell people to call me when they aren't busy because I am never busy and everyone else is, but then no one ever calls me. I just don't get it! I mean what the heck is wrong with me that NO ONE wants to hang out or call or IM or anything for that matter. I just don't understand. I must be doing something wrong. Is it so hard to just call me or want to hang out with me or make plans with me? Am I really that boring or the repulsive or what? WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? I just want to know. Oh well I guess I never will really know. I guess it is either all made up in my mind or something I will never understand or have answered. Guess I just had to get all that out. Well, I guess my time has come to leave. Maybe I'll write again soon. Who knows? | | Friday, May 17th, 2002 | | 8:00 am |
I hate getting calls at 6:20 in the morning to work a full day rather just just a half day. Kind of really annoying!!!! Damn the teachers who call out at the last minute for a sick day when they really aren't sick. Do you think they even think about the pissed off substitutes who receive calls that wake them up at random hours in the morning? My conclusion to this question is definitely NOT. As for everything else going on in this thing called my life (which isn't much) I GIVE UP!!!! I do what I can, say what I feel, and don't get anywhere but deeper so I am just giving up!!!! Who cares if I lead a life of nothing, with no one, having no friends! I'll be one of those old ladies who has no friends and dies in her apartment all alone and she isn't even found for days. That's looking real bright, but here's lookin' at me. Well, off to a day of hell I am sure since I am stuck with the delinquants of Lower all day! I really hate that school it has to be the worst out of all of them. | | Thursday, May 16th, 2002 | | 9:39 pm |
All I have to say is that two year olds plus legos is a bad combination. Some kid threw legos at my head and I have had a headache since 3:30 this afternoon. I hate those kids!!!!! Will & Grace is the funniest show too!!!! | | 9:42 am |
Well, I have a few things to write about. First of all I was just given the best advice from a very wise woman. She says "Just cry until you can't cry anymore. Then get on with life!" I'll be crying for quite some time. But who really cares. Secondly, I come home thinking things will be great only to again be disappointed. I realized this last night while sitting by myself at a table of adults old enough to be my parents. You think things will be great like last summer but you realize people change and just don't seem to like you or care about you anymore. You realize that there is always someone better walking in the door right after you and then what you thought would be a happy reunion turns into you being ditched for obviously the one who has just entered. So then you are left to stand in a blob of people all having fun and talking around you, yet you are not part of any of the conversations or reunions or anything. It's like standing in NYC with all the high buildings with all the loud noise and traffic and you just turning in circles in the same spot. So you leave the business and the obvious feeling of unwantingness with just a little hope that someone will notice you. Hoping that what first started as a happy reunion (until the better party came in the door) will again have a chance to occur. But since you weren't the one who put the reunion on hold you wait and pray and hope that the other party will recognize. The end of the night comes. Everyone is oblivious to you and it is as if the night was just a waste of time. You go to leave thinking no one cares, no one wants to see you, no one wants to stay close, no one wants to hang out with you, and finally come to realize this summer you are going to be alone. Tired of always having to be the one to rekindle things and call your "friends" (if I even have any) the word of my life becomes: ALONE. So again my saying really does hold true: "There is always someone better than you." First only applied to auditions and singing and acting but now as proven last night applies to friendships. I guess this is a thing college has taught me which is beyond all the book work I must do. One begins to question then - What is my purpose here if I cannot be happy for even one day? | | Friday, May 10th, 2002 | | 10:56 pm |
FRUSTRATION is the word of the night and of my life! Welcome to my world! | | Wednesday, May 8th, 2002 | | 7:31 am |
| | Tuesday, May 7th, 2002 | | 7:52 pm |
Ok so I would just like to say that NO ONE HAS CALLED ME ABOUT MY AUDITION!!!! So please stop asking me about it. If I said I would call you when I found out I will call you so stop asking. It is just making me worse. I don't know if this is a bad sign that it is taking so long. Apparently rehearsals are suppose to start tomorrow night and so I should be hearing tonight but if I don't I am going to e-mail the producer and find out what is going on. I am going insane here. | | Friday, May 3rd, 2002 | | 10:19 pm |
Ok so I would first like to say that I AM HOME!!!!!!!! It feels great to not have anymore school work. I still have tons of stress but minus the school work is a great thing in itself. Another thing I still have not found out about my audition!!!! Now I am really angry about this and I am getting very worried and anxious. Now several people are trying to convince me that this is not a bad sign but I am taking this as a bad sign. I mean I know they said they would call within the week and well technically they have until Sunday so their time isn't up but I can't help but think this is a negative thing that they have not called me yet about anything. Not even a callback. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying and maybe all these people are right about them just taking their time but I never had to wait this long to see a cast list. And especially since rehearsals start Wednesday May 8 I am feeling like this is a little last minute here. Maybe its just me and I need to get over this and be more patient and live life instead of waiting by the phone. I just can't help but be obsessed because I have never wanted anything this badly and worked so hard for something before. Every time I think of all the time and energy I put into this I just can't believe it. I guess I am still really hoping I get to be Dorothy but just to be in the musical I guess will be good enough for me. Of course I will be upset it I don't get Dorothy but I will get over it. I have gotten over the rejection many times in my life and I guess I can do it again. Although, I keep asking myself when will it be my turn to shine? You know just once I would like to get something I want. But I guess it will be my turn when God says its my turn. Well, I could go on and on but I just had to get out my frustrations in not receiving a call yet. I will write as soon as I do get my call after I make the billions of calls I promised other people I would make. Goodnight and God Bless | | Thursday, May 2nd, 2002 | | 9:18 am |
Patience is a virtue....MY ASS!!!!
OK so I am still waiting to hear about my audition from SUNDAY!!!!!! I will give them the fact that they had auditions Monday night but I mean hello it is Thursday according to my calendar. They have to have some compassion for a college student who had failed all her finals this week due to worrying about her audition and the outcome of it. Even if it is news I don't want it would at least be better to hear it now rather than later. My friend Sara says sometime it does take 48 hours to devise a good cast list and so that means I should be hearing from them today sometime. If I don't hear from them today I think I am going to freak out!!! I mean yeah I already am freaking out, but it could get worse. And seriously this whole thing on patience is bullshit! Anyone who even says "patience is a virtue" is so full of shit. No one in this world is ever patient and don't they know it just makes me more angry to hear that damn cliche over and over again. I mean I am an English major and cliches piss me off too. I mean where did all the creativity go in this world. Oh I feel so much better now that I have been able to blow up in my journal. Please don't take offense to anything I have said, I am just getting a little angry about this whole waiting for them to call me. I guess I am one of those people who just needs someone to listen to me instead of argue with me and pretend they are my mother and use stupid cliches which make no fuckin sense and NO ONE ever feel any better. It is probably a good thing I am going home today because people here at Penn State are starting to annoy the shit out of me. I had to block someone online last night because he is annoying the shit out of me. He is so stupid and says the dumbest things. And apparently he is too dumb to pick up on my clues of "not interested". The alcohol, illegal drugs, and partying that he speaks so openly about must be getting to his brain. I am telling you the people you find here at Penn State is unbelievable! You can run into the nicest people here but then there are the freaks, drug addicts, and I start to wonder how they got into this school. I mean it is really hard to get into PSU, but I guess even the wackiest people can get good grades etc. There is this one girl and I swear she has multiple personalities. Not that it is a problem except I never know how to act when I see her. One minute she is like a monster trying to bite your head off and then the next she talks to you and then the next she won't even look at you. God, and I have stories but I am so tired of dragging this entry on and on. So I will say bye for now. I have to pack my room up because I am going home today. So probably the next time I write I will be at home. YEAH!!!! | | Wednesday, May 1st, 2002 | | 9:22 am |
Things I have learned...
I would just like to say that the good news is that I am done school tomorrow and so I get to go home! Now for the bad news: It's finals week, I am sick, I am going to the doctors, I can't concentrate, and all I think about is "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" My audition went really well for Wizard of Oz but waiting for the call is killing me. The dancing was a piece of cake, the acting I totally shocked myself (I was actually good), and well singing again no worried there. It is all going to come down to looks rather than ability I think. Like who can pull off what the director is looking for the most. It's a shame how a lot of auditions just come down to that. At some points I am positive and I think I got the role, but then I have other moments where I am really negative and I just don't think I have a chance. I don't know, but all I can do is wait for the phone call. In fact my first reaction after I left the audition was I had a good audition but didn't get it and cried the entire way home. I guess I should be happy with having a good audition for once. It is all in God's hands now and well it always has been, but now it even feels more so out of my control. I have problems with leaving things to God and to stop having control over everything and well when I went to Kristyn's church they talked about that. They said picture what you want control over in your hand and squeeze it really tight and when you can let it go to God. So being me I tried this process with this audition. I tried every night after my bedtime prayers. Every night my fist got a little looser and then one night I just opened my hand up. From that point on I knew it was completely out of my hands. So I guess my point in writing all this is I learned a few things from this audition process and I guess I should be happy with that even if I don't get to be Dorothy. I learned first of all I can have a good audition and my abilities are worth the world seeing. I also learned how difficult it is for me to turn things over to God but once I can get myself to do it, it is a great feeling. So I would like to close with a thanks to Kristyn for taking me to her church, and a thanks to Carolyn for always believing in me and for so much more, and a thanks to the really cute guy who gave the sermon at Kristyn's church that Sunday, and huge thanks to God for everything!!!! Everyone pray that I get to be Dorothy!!!!!!!! I know I still am. | | Sunday, April 21st, 2002 | | 7:05 pm |
8 more days till this hell called Penn State University is over!!!!!!!!! Long story and considering my long line of past wraps with friends, no one really freakin cares anyway. So I am just going to leave it like this. GOODNIGHT!!! | | 12:31 am |
I have just spent a lovely evening alone!!! Being alone is a great thing at times. The only thing is that I think it is a shame when it takes a four hour Lifetime movie to let you know how really messed up you really are. So I guess you can see where I sp ent most of my night. I also spent the night trying to look like Dorothy Gale. So yes my audition for this role is in a week (Sunday April 28). I am getting very nervous, anxious, and completely scared. I guess I just want the role so bad and have put so much time and energy into preparing that I am afraid to find out what is going to happen. At least not knowing the outcome I can still dream, but if reality is not what I want then the dream is over. And the thing that will really upset will be all the t ime I spent preparing would have gone to waste. Oh and probably the worst will be having to tell everyone I know that I have failed, in case I do. The only one who knows what is going to happen is God and well I can't do anything to change His mind. It is all in His hands and I have been leaving it all in His control. I am just the passanger in this journey called life and so I am just sitting back and waiting. I just wish this week would go a little faster. I don't know how much longer I can live without knowing. Now I have prepared myself to fail all my finals since my mind is going to be so pre-occupied with wondering about the results of my audition all week. The producer for the show said I may not get a call until the end of the week and well that is a little late considering all my finals are in the beginning of the week. I am just going to pray that I can focus on my studies for a little and not let the audition take over. I guess really the result is already decided and there is nothing I can d o except go and audition and see what happens. Well, let's just all pray that for once something I want to happen, happens. And hey if I get to be Dorothy, I wonder if I get a dog named ToTo???? Well, off to bed for me because I have a choral concert to morrow. Talk to everyone later. Keep me in your prayers 8) And you are always in mine! Oh and my song for now is One Moment in Time (Whitney Houston) because I am hoping this summer musical will turn out to be my one moment in time. We all deserve one of those and well I am hoping it is my turn. Current Mood:  hopefulCurrent Music: One Moment in Time - Whitney Houston | | Saturday, March 9th, 2002 | | 3:07 pm |
Yes my dears spring break is officially over. Back to Hell, I mean Penn State, again tomorrow. One cannot even describe how excited I am. Laugh at my sarcasm here people. Anyone spring break turned out being nothing of what I had planned or hoped but what ever is. I can't go back and change anything now or relive it so I guess I will just have to move on and try to get through the next 55 days at Penn State before I can come home again. I actually had to go into work Friday at Goddard because they desperately needed someone and even though I was suppose to be resting this week I went into work one day. Let me tell you how stressfull working with two year olds can be!! Crying, screaming, fighting, yelling, hurting one another - that was my day. Oh and yes who could forget the dirty diapers. I can't wait to have kids of my own. But with all that I seriously miss getting up early every morning to go into work and get paid everyday. I cannot wait to get the hell out of college and have a job - a job that I know I will love. Getting up early for class that you paid hundreds of dollars for that in the meantime seems pointless is not my kind of lifestyle. Working my ass off everyday and going to classes and dealing with professors and studying and writing papers is not my idea of fun. Of course then there are the people who love college for the weekends - the drinking, the partying; but I can't understand how people have the time or energy for that if they are working as hard as I do. Either the education aspect of college for them is not that important or they are not taking as many classes as I have or there college is so easy an idiot could pass. There are the occasional weekends I can go out and have fun like that but they are few let me tell you. If anyone knows how I can have more of those weekends, let me know the secret. So it is back to the college life for, Krista. But I am counting the days till I can say I am done. 55 till summer and wel two years and 55 days till schooling for Krista is over. So farewell to spring break and back to reality. Current Mood:  bitchy | | Thursday, February 21st, 2002 | | 12:36 pm |
I know it has been so long since I have written in this and well I would try to explain but there is way too much. If you know what has been going on in my life then you would understand and so if you are lucky enough to know what I am talking about then you understand. Pretty much life has been hell since Christmas break. I just cannot wait to get out of college, get a job, and live on my own!!!! I am starting to go through all my pictures from high school and I am getting them in order so I can start my scrapbook. I will probably work on my scrapbook all during my spring break since no one will be around when I am home. I am hoping to get a lot of it done. I am also going to be going to a bad on Wednesday when I am home with Carolyn. Now she will be singing and I will be drinking (LOL). Just kidding she would never buy me alcohol in public - we wouldn't want to get caught (LOL). Anyway she is singing though. I will just be watching because there is no way in hell I am going to get up and sing after everyone has listened to Carolyn. I mean come on she is totally amazing and well I can't even compare to that so I guess I will just watch and maybe try to pick up some guys (LOL). Who knows what I will be doing, but I am excited!!! I love planning my vacations ahead of time and so I am freaking out that I do not have more on my schedule already but I think I will have plenty to do when I get home and call everyone. I will just bother the hell out of Carolyn and she will probably want me to go back to school by the time we are finished hanging out. And of course there is Andrea maybe we will get together during one of her lunch breaks again. I can't wait to be in her wedding!! I just hope the dress fits me now and I don't look extremely bad. Oh and yes Kristyn will be home so I am sure we will do something. SHe of course has to help me identify some of the pictures I am finding for my scrapbook because I can't remember when they were all taken. I cannot wait till spring break - only 8 more days!!!!!!!! And I am hoping to see that hot guy when I come home too!!! No one knows who I am talking about and it is so great (LOL)!!!!!! Well thats it for now. Back to reality I go... | | Thursday, February 14th, 2002 | | 9:09 pm |
| | 9:09 pm |
| | Wednesday, January 30th, 2002 | | 8:20 pm |
| | Sunday, January 27th, 2002 | | 6:38 pm |
I Laugh...
I laugh in the face of Pittsburgh!!! Talk about some cocky people who just got it shoved in their face!!! Hey I didn't really care who won but I was definitely laughing. I hope the Eagles win though!!! Right now we are behind again but we can come back!!!! PRAY!  | | Friday, January 25th, 2002 | | 10:13 am |
Too Early to Discuss Menstration - yes you can read - I said MENSTRATION
I just spent the last hour in my poetry class discussing the Rape of the Lock by Alexander Pope. Ok so it is a great poem, but my professor has definitely taken it to a different level. He has taken it to the level of menstruation. Yes you heard me - that womanly process of life we all hate MENSTRUATION!!! Now I can see where he is coming from but seriously an entire hour talking about menstruation!!?? I am feeling the pain right now and hell I still got a couple of weeks left. I hope we never talk about that again. I think I am scarred for life now. I am still in shock. I mean I didn't think you could talk about menstruation for an hour. Well, mark this day in the book because it is possible to talk about menstruation for an hour as proven by my poetry professor. Werid?!?!?!?!? Current Mood: What the Fuck?!?!?Current Music: NONE | | Thursday, January 24th, 2002 | | 9:02 am |
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